Mick's di'stink'ly average joke thread... :)

[mix2000]

Poor Paddy died in a fire.
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope.... it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No.... it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"Sean said,
"Well, Paddy had two assholes.
""What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.


Well we went everywhere with Paddy and every time we went into town, folks would say,
'Here comes Paddy with the two assholes'.

 

[quest63]

lol :grin:

 

[Neil]

Groan...

 

[spike.]

 

[BenF]

they really don't get any better...!

 

[PhilLew]

they really don't get any better...!

and they can't get any worse!!!

 

[mix2000]

Is that a challenge?

 

[quest63]

encore encore :lol:

 

[PhilLew]

Is that a challenge?

Are you up to it?

BTW no more Irish jokes allowed, you have an unfair advantage there!!! :grin: LOL

 

[mix2000]

I do begorrah!! an Bejaysus!! :lol:

 

[mix2000]

You asked for it;

A guy goes to the Council for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks him - "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes I used to work for the gas board and an explosion blew my testicles off."

The rest of the interview goes well and the interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls......no point in you coming in for that........."
.... :hide:

 

[BenF]

don't give up the day job...

 

[Zara]

:lol: I log on just for these hahaha!!

 

[PhilLew]

Now that was bad :-( .....but I'm sure you could do worse! :grin:

 

[mix2000]

Happy to oblige, :-D

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to open the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol, and told him to ring if it got worse."

"Good lad Murphy , and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Good stuff! You're getting good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir then, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen ANY man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jaysus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I gave her eye drops of course."

 

[BenF]

I submit

 

[PhilLew]

ok, enough enough! :grin: :grin: :grin:

 

[quest63]

Come on Mixy lets have the full Mix2000 compendium of rib ticklers published here lol :wink:

 

[mix2000]

I'll drop a few in from time to time. Don't want ye overdosing :lol:

 

[mix2000]

A drunk walks into a small bar and says to the barman (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the houshe a drink, pour yourshelf one, and give me the bill."
So, the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for £37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got any (hic) money."

The barman slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the houshe a drink, pour yourshelf one, and give me the bill."

The barman looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for £42.00.

The drunk says, "I still haven't got any money."
The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the barman says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "No way!! Your a violent fecker, when your drunk."