Mick's di'stink'ly average joke thread... :)
- Thread starter mix2000
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alexwilliams840
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- Joined
- Jul 8, 2011
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mix2000 said:
I read this this morning and the penny just dropped. I cant believe I just got it
:funny: :funny: :funny: :funny:
mix2000
Active member
I hear that Liverpool Council are trying to prevent prostitutes smoking crack, whilst "servicing" their clients.............
So does this mean they've introduced 'A Hoes Pipe Ban'..
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So does this mean they've introduced 'A Hoes Pipe Ban'..
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mix2000
Active member
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married."
"Wow! That’s a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married."
"Wow! That’s a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
quest63
Active member
:-D :-D
mix2000
Active member
You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands....
For example, if her hands are around your throat, she's probably upset....inkeye:
For example, if her hands are around your throat, she's probably upset....
inkeye:
quest63
Active member
:-D
mix2000
Active member
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
quest63
Active member
:-D :-D :-D :thumbs:
mix2000
Active member
Last night, I was sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend... I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said: "That's us in ten years".
My mate said "That's a mirror, Dipsh1t!".
My mate said "That's a mirror, Dipsh1t!".
quest63
Active member
:-D
mix2000
Active member
Was working on a Scandinavian joke, but it isn't quite finish.....
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex
together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."...
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear
life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."...
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear
life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
hotrodspike
New member
Shocking!
quest63
Active member
Watt :shock:
BenF
Active member
stunning
hotrodspike
New member
Hair raising
