Mick's di'stink'ly average joke thread... :)

[mix2000]

Employing safety message in car from now on k:
Decided anymore to put my passengers at ease by pointing out where all the airbags and seat belts are.
Ending the safety message with 'Just in case I crash again' inkeye:

 

[mix2000]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”


Paddy was startled to see the nonchalant way Mick was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”
“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” asked Paddy
“Waiting to catch her with a smaller lad.”

 

[TommyLee2]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

:thumbs: :-D

 

[mix2000]

Miss Prim, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the priest came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water.
In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Prim", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. And.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

 

[quest63]

:grin: :grin:

 

[mix2000]

A husband and wife are in their bedroom together.
The wife, fresh out of the shower, is standing in front of the mirror and says "I'm old, fat and depressed. I need a compliment."
The husband thinks for a second and says "You have amazing eyesight!"

 

[quest63]

:grin: :grin:

I heard she put on her new nightie in the bathroom and stood in the doorway with the light behind her turning it invisible and asked "does my bum look big in this"?

The husband thinks for a minute and says" to be fair it is a small bathroom!"

 

[Dal]

:grin: :grin:

I heard she put on her new nightie in the bathroom and stood in the doorway with the light behind her turning it invisible and asked "does my bum look big in this"?

The husband thinks for a minute and says" to be fair it is a small bathroom!"

Repost!!

Page 5

http://www.projectpuma.com/viewtopic.php?p=213448#p213448" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

 

[quest63]

caught

 

[mix2000]

caught

:lol: :lol:

 

[mix2000]

Me and my girlfriend just went on our ninth date to see the new Batman Movie.

Our dates so far have comprised of: Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
:hide:

 

[mix2000]

Do not turn your back on erectile dysfunction. It may improve suddenly.

 

[quest63]

Me and my girlfriend just went on our ninth date to see the new Batman Movie.

Our dates so far have comprised of: Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
:hide:

:-D :-D :-D

 

[mix2000]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,
a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap,
a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole,
a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli,
a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss,
a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian,
a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim,
a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer put his hand up,
"Sorry lads........
.....
.....
I can't let you in without a Thai." ......

 

[quest63]

:grin:

 

[mix2000]

Version 1;
met a Genie today who granted me one wish,
"I want to live forever!!! I said"...
"Sorry" said the Genie, "I am not allowed to grant wishes like
that"...
"Fine!!!" I said, "I want to die when Ireland win the World
Cup!!!"...

Version 2;
met a Genie today who granted me one wish,
"I want to live forever!!! I said"...
"Sorry" said the Genie, "I am not allowed to grant wishes like
that"...
"Fine!!!" I said, "I want to die when England win the World
Cup again!!!"...

 

[red]

:roll: "i want to die when <insert unlikely event here>" :grin:

 

[quest63]

When Mick gets the Guinness's in? :-D

 

[mix2000]

When Mick gets the Guinness's in? :-D

Heyyyy!! :shock: (probably true )

 

[mix2000]

There was a man in the queue in front of me in Tesco buying condoms amongst other things.
The cashier asked him if he needed a bag.
Which he replied "no, she's not that ugly"....