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Ive been asked to cease posting "crap jokes" So be it :(

A man took his wife to the doctors. After he had examined her the doctor said "Your wife's mind has completely gone!" To which the man replied, "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 30 years."

Strange how you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

What type of ring is always square?

I have just got back from my best mates funeral , he was hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a perfect service.

Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place ? He was sacked for making a grave mistake. :shock:

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked...

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission ? :shock:

Why is 5 o'clock in the morning a bit like a pigs tail ? Because it's twirly :lol:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see...

the tiny things

I'm not as think as you drunk I am. :oops:

Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!

The drunker I sit here, the longer I get.

I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it. :D

I think it's for an auxillary power outlet , as for a sat nav , emergency tyre inflator or whatever ! :wink:

I had a terrible accident the other day , I fell asleep at the wheel . God what a real mess .... clay everywhere. :lol:

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out...

Rob : The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath. Ben: Did it work ? Rob: I don't know. I can never finish drinking the hot bath. :P

had value because