- Joined
- Oct 3, 2007
- Messages
- 14,816
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
__________________
I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night. she said to me
"have you got a nickname?", "Yes!", i replied, "My mates call me the sledge!"
She giggled, and said "is that because your a smooth ride?"
"No", i replied, "It's because i always get pulled by dogs!!!""
------------------------------------------
Just £3 will by food & water for a family in Africa - but don't let your heart rule your head....................
Morrisons are doing a 4 pack of Stella for £2.99!!!
---------------------------------------------------
Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner for me........................sitting at he table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more!!
------------------------------
Females are the only objects that defy the laws of gravity........
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
-------------------
I met a girl at a party last night, I said "you remind me of my little toe"
She replied "what, small and petite?"
"No" i said, "I'll probably bang you on the table later when i'm pissed!!"
-------------------------------------------
The wife came home earlier from buying her costume for this years Xmas Eve party.
"Stay there baby", she said with a giggle "i'm gonna nip upstairs to put it on and show you"
She came back down after 10 minutes, opened the living room door and stood before me
"wow honey!" i exclaimed, "that's the most convincing killer whale outfit i've ever seen!"
she said "I'm a sodding nun you bastard!!"
__________________
I Got out the shower this morning and my wife said "Ooo look, its like a penis...only smaller".
I Said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary...only fatter and less flexible."
==============
Three women, one engaged, one a mistress and one married. They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings, suspenders, black leather basque, black knee length boots and a leather face mask. Later the engaged womean says "my man jumped me and fucked me all night!" The mistress adds "Me too. We had wild dirty sex till dawn!"
The married woman says "My husband came home, slapped my arse and said 'what's for tea Batman?"
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
News flashes:
1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
__________________
I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night. she said to me
"have you got a nickname?", "Yes!", i replied, "My mates call me the sledge!"
She giggled, and said "is that because your a smooth ride?"
"No", i replied, "It's because i always get pulled by dogs!!!""
------------------------------------------
Just £3 will by food & water for a family in Africa - but don't let your heart rule your head....................
Morrisons are doing a 4 pack of Stella for £2.99!!!
---------------------------------------------------
Christmas dinner is just like any other dinner for me........................sitting at he table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more!!
------------------------------
Females are the only objects that defy the laws of gravity........
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
-------------------
I met a girl at a party last night, I said "you remind me of my little toe"
She replied "what, small and petite?"
"No" i said, "I'll probably bang you on the table later when i'm pissed!!"
-------------------------------------------
The wife came home earlier from buying her costume for this years Xmas Eve party.
"Stay there baby", she said with a giggle "i'm gonna nip upstairs to put it on and show you"
She came back down after 10 minutes, opened the living room door and stood before me
"wow honey!" i exclaimed, "that's the most convincing killer whale outfit i've ever seen!"
she said "I'm a sodding nun you bastard!!"
__________________
I Got out the shower this morning and my wife said "Ooo look, its like a penis...only smaller".
I Said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary...only fatter and less flexible."
==============
Three women, one engaged, one a mistress and one married. They decide to treat their men by wearing black stockings, suspenders, black leather basque, black knee length boots and a leather face mask. Later the engaged womean says "my man jumped me and fucked me all night!" The mistress adds "Me too. We had wild dirty sex till dawn!"
The married woman says "My husband came home, slapped my arse and said 'what's for tea Batman?"
