quest63
Active member
I have lots of inner piss, just as soon as the fattest Spaniel in history stops lying on my leg I will be able to get up and get rid of it/
Mick's di'stink'ly average joke thread... :)
- Thread starter mix2000
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mix2000
Active member
Cocker yer leg :lol:
quest63
Active member
mix2000 said:
He's Springered off now :-D
mix2000
Active member
Ger-ry, Ger-ry, Ger-ry,
mix2000
Active member
Blonde joke no. 567,877,676,667
Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant.
The brunette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy".
The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
BenF
Active member
excellent!
mix2000
Active member
Artisssstic licence...Same as the next Rob! :-Devilrob said:
Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic, on that fateful night the ship hit an iceberg and began to sink.
Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats."
Carter said, "Women first."
Nixon said, "Screw the women."
Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
BenF
Active member
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Feel free to keep the tip.
ok, I'll get my coat...
Feel free to keep the tip.
ok, I'll get my coat...
mix2000
Active member
:-D
Then he went onto have a car accident...
Left his foot on the accelerator...
I'll join Ben in the cloakroom...
Then he went onto have a car accident...
Left his foot on the accelerator...
I'll join Ben in the cloakroom...
mix2000
Active member
It's late Autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'We've noticed the Indians on the reservation are collecting a huge load of firewood
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'We've noticed the Indians on the reservation are collecting a huge load of firewood
mix2000
Active member
Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin...
Orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brothers, one is in Canada and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we made a pact that we'd drink this way, to remember the days we all drank together."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Paddy becomes a regular customer, and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh Jaysus no," he says,
"Everyone is fine! Its me... I've Quit the Drinking!"
Orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brothers, one is in Canada and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we made a pact that we'd drink this way, to remember the days we all drank together."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Paddy becomes a regular customer, and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh Jaysus no," he says,
"Everyone is fine! Its me... I've Quit the Drinking!"
mix2000
Active member
:lol: New Tesco's burger range apparently .... Low in fat, high in Shergar....
mix2000
Active member
People should be concerned, its a mane stable for the less well off...
mix2000
Active member
Blonde joke no. 567,877,676,668
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Ginger Tom
New member
Quality lol
mix2000
Active member
Bit of Divelment 
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00
The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman drowsily reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer €5.00 and goes back to sleep.
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00
The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman drowsily reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer €5.00 and goes back to sleep.
