Mick's di'stink'ly average joke thread... :)

[Dal]

Beware of Scam to steal wallets

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco at Huntingdon. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th & 10th, twice on the 15th, again on 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, twice yesterday and hopefully again this coming weekend!!

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.

 

[Neil]

:lol:

 

[Flying Scotsman]

:funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny:

 

[mix2000]

:lol: brilliant :lol:

 

[mix2000]

Someone is bound to get a laugh out of at least one...maybe..

My uncle was told to cut down on his two biggest hobbies which are smoking and masturbating,, he is doing well as he cut down to just 15 a day, but he is still smoking like a chimney

A 7 year old boy goes into his mother's bedroom and asks "is it wrong to have a willy?" the mother replies "no don't be silly why?". the kid says "well cos daddy is in the bathroom trying to pull his off"

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I think I am going deaf", the doctor replies "do you know what the Symptoms are?", the man says "yes of course I do, they are Homer, Bart, Maggie and Lisa"

What does a Polish man give his new bride that is long and hard? His surname

A man wakes up his wife one morning and asks "would you like coffee or sex" , the women replies " I don't mind either way it's going to be instant"

What's the difference between purple and pink? Grip

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked the boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said. It took me three bloody hours.

Why did barbie never have children? Ken comes in a separate box!

The National College of incomplete research has found that 78% of men over the age of 25...

I had a hard life growing up.
The other kids used to pour cream over me, cover me in chocolate, and put a cherry on my head.
Yeah, life was tough growing up in the gateaux

 

[BenF]

ok, I admit it - I did laugh at one of them!

 

[Dal]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,'About 2 hours.' The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,'How long before I can get a haircut?

'The barber looked around at the shop and said,'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,'How long before I can get a haircut?

'The barber looked around the shop and said,'About an hour and a half.’ The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?

'Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'

 

[mix2000]

:funny: :funny:

 

[BenF]

excellent - love it!

 

[mix2000]

Happy Paddy's Day to all !! :thumbs:

 

[mix2000]

A man bought a new Ferrari Convertible and was out on a B Road for a nice Sunday evening drive. the top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 100mph he suddenly saw blue flashing lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Ferrari!!, “he thought to himself and opened her up further. the needle hit 150,160…

Then the reality of the situation hit him. ” what the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The policeman came up to him took his license without a word and examined it and the car.”

"It’s been a long day," said plod "this is the end of the shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like doing anymore paper work, so if can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go."

They man thinks for a second and says, "well... you see, last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”

Have a nice weekend,” said the officer

 

[mix2000]

A pirate walks into a bar (yup they're getting that bad :lol: )and the bartender said : ‘Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.’

‘What do you mean?’ said the pirate, ‘I feel fine.’

Bartender: ‘What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.’

Pirate: ‘Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.’

Bartender: ‘Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?’

Pirate: ‘We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…’

Bartender: ‘What about that eye patch?’

Pirate: ‘Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them s**t in my eye.’

Bartender: ‘You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird s**t?’

Pirate: ‘Well...It was my first day with the hook.’

 

[mix2000]

Never really understood boomerangs until I threw one.........and then it hit me....... :hide:

 

[mix2000]

Two nuns are out driving when Lucifer himself, drops onto the bonnet of their car.
Sister Bernadette says, “What do I do?!”
Sister Mary says, “Quick, Sister Bernadette! Show him your cross!”

So Sister Bernadette leans out the side window and roars, “GET THE F**K OFF MY BONNET YOU BIG HORNED, EVIL GOBSHITE!”

 

[mix2000]

Paddy meets a hooker in a bar.
She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for €150, as long as you can say it in three words."
Paddy replies, "Sure, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three fifty Euro notes on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

 

[mix2000]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

[catlover66]

that one is so old (nearly my age) yet still worth a chuckle I guess

 

[mix2000]

:shock: There's no way it's over 80 years old....

 

[catlover66]

I can still shake my stick you wipper snapper :lol:

 

[mix2000]

Any more than 3 shakes is......