mix2000
Active member
:funny: :funny: :funny:
Mick's di'stink'ly average joke thread... :)
- Thread starter mix2000
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The Sensuous Wife
Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband. ...
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?"
"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.
Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband. ...
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a
little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?"
"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.
quest63
Active member
:grin:
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man....
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
" Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in London and still wearing all this shit?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man....
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
" Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in London and still wearing all this shit?"
mix2000
Active member
David Moyes has promised fans of Manchester United that they will be in a major European competition next year
Even if he has to write the song himself...
Even if he has to write the song himself...
mix2000
Active member
:lol:
mix2000
Active member
What do a badly packed parachute and Madonna's face have in common?
They both look like a badly packed parachute.
They both look like a badly packed parachute.
mix2000
Active member
Helen and Mary are out having a coffee and catching up
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?
Oh, mine was incredible. Graeme was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Graeme were at the pub
So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Helen arrived I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f***ing candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing ........ total disaster!!
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, Kevin wolfed down in four minutes the dinner that had taken me all afternoon to prepare, granted me three minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep two minutes later. Nightmare! And you?
Oh, mine was incredible. Graeme was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and chatted until late. It was wonderful.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Graeme were at the pub
So, how was your evening last night, Kevin?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when Helen arrived I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful! The dinner was fine but was so expensive I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f***ing candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing ........ total disaster!!
quest63
Active member
:grin: :grin: :grin:
mix2000
Active member
Humanity is losing its geniuses.
Aristotle died,
Newton passed away,
Einstein died, and well....I'm not feeling well today....
Aristotle died,
Newton passed away,
Einstein died, and well....I'm not feeling well today....
quest63
Active member
Yee haaaaaaaaa A wake.....ermmm I mean get well soon :-D
mix2000
Active member
:lol:
mix2000
Active member
10 stupid questions that police ask when they stop you in your car and 10 suitably stupid replies*
1) ‘Can you step out of the vehicle please?’
“No, I’m afraid I can’t. I can lurch out of the vehicle, roll out of the vehicle or even ease my way out of the vehicle, but until I own a gladiators chariot or a Popemobile I will never be able to ‘step’ out of a vehicle because that requires being in a standing position.”
2) ‘Is this your car Sir/Madam?’
Look around the car whilst developing an ever increasing look of surprise and suspicion then reply… “Oh my God! No, it isn’t officer. Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention. Now where the hell is my car?”
3) ‘Have you been drinking?’
a) “Yes I have officer. Can you drive me home because I’m pissed?”
b) “Yes, I have been drinking since the day I was born. Human beings are made up of 90% water and apparently if we stop drinking we will dehydrate and die within a couple of days.”
4) ‘Do you know what the speed limit is?’
“I’d imagine it is just enough to keep you awake and hyper but not so much that you become addicted. I prefer a combination of cocaine and cannabis myself, speed makes you way too thin and cranky.”
5) ‘Do you know why I stopped you?’
a) “Err, is it because I was moving?”
b) “We’re you bored and fancied a chat?“
d) “I’ve left the arm of that dead body hanging out of the boot haven’t I?”
6) ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’
“Yes I do, but I was trying to go faster and picking up a lot of speed until you stopped me.”
7) ‘Can I see your driving license please?’
“Certainly, but you will have to go to the DVLA in Swansea because they took it off me weeks ago because driving the wrong way up a one way road at 63 miles per hour in a 30 zone whilst drunk and disqualified is quite dangerous and also illegal apparently.”
8 ) ‘Have you got anything in the boot?’
“Yes officer, I have some upholstery, a spare wheel and a jack. You might also find some jump leads, a tow rope and a dead body. That’s probably why I was going so fast, if you don’t get them in the ground early they start to smell.”
9) ‘Can you give me your name and address please?’
“No, they belong to me and if I give them to you people might mistake me for a twat instead.”
10) ‘Are you trying to be funny?’
“Well if you can’t tell by now then you are never going to make Detective.”
1) ‘Can you step out of the vehicle please?’
“No, I’m afraid I can’t. I can lurch out of the vehicle, roll out of the vehicle or even ease my way out of the vehicle, but until I own a gladiators chariot or a Popemobile I will never be able to ‘step’ out of a vehicle because that requires being in a standing position.”
2) ‘Is this your car Sir/Madam?’
Look around the car whilst developing an ever increasing look of surprise and suspicion then reply… “Oh my God! No, it isn’t officer. Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention. Now where the hell is my car?”
3) ‘Have you been drinking?’
a) “Yes I have officer. Can you drive me home because I’m pissed?”
b) “Yes, I have been drinking since the day I was born. Human beings are made up of 90% water and apparently if we stop drinking we will dehydrate and die within a couple of days.”
4) ‘Do you know what the speed limit is?’
“I’d imagine it is just enough to keep you awake and hyper but not so much that you become addicted. I prefer a combination of cocaine and cannabis myself, speed makes you way too thin and cranky.”
5) ‘Do you know why I stopped you?’
a) “Err, is it because I was moving?”
b) “We’re you bored and fancied a chat?“
d) “I’ve left the arm of that dead body hanging out of the boot haven’t I?”
6) ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’
“Yes I do, but I was trying to go faster and picking up a lot of speed until you stopped me.”
7) ‘Can I see your driving license please?’
“Certainly, but you will have to go to the DVLA in Swansea because they took it off me weeks ago because driving the wrong way up a one way road at 63 miles per hour in a 30 zone whilst drunk and disqualified is quite dangerous and also illegal apparently.”
8 ) ‘Have you got anything in the boot?’
“Yes officer, I have some upholstery, a spare wheel and a jack. You might also find some jump leads, a tow rope and a dead body. That’s probably why I was going so fast, if you don’t get them in the ground early they start to smell.”
9) ‘Can you give me your name and address please?’
“No, they belong to me and if I give them to you people might mistake me for a twat instead.”
10) ‘Are you trying to be funny?’
“Well if you can’t tell by now then you are never going to make Detective.”
mix2000
Active member
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
-------------
A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes his hands again.
The girl says to him: "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he says: "That's correct, how did you know?"
"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it."
After, she says: "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist."
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing......"
----------
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
-------------
A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes his hands again.
The girl says to him: "I bet you're a dentist." Surprised he says: "That's correct, how did you know?"
"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it."
After, she says: "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist."
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing......"
----------
quest63
Active member
:grin:
mix2000
Active member
So I rang up a local recycling firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre,
so the barman gave her one...
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre,
so the barman gave her one...
quest63
Active member
:grin: :grin:
mix2000
Active member
:lol: :lol:
Thanks for keeping me in the loop....
...
..
.
I'll get me coat...
Thanks for keeping me in the loop....
...
..
.
I'll get me coat...
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