mix2000
Active member
:lol: :lol:
Mick's di'stink'ly average joke thread... :)
- Thread starter mix2000
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mix2000
Active member
On a cold morning a Blonde rings her husband at work and says "The windows are frozen. What should I do?"
He says "Pour some warm water on them, but make sure it's not too hot or they will crack".
"O.K" she replied, sounding a bit unsure.
He rang back 10 minutes later and said "Did it do the trick?"
"No" she said tearfully "The laptop won't work at all now".
He says "Pour some warm water on them, but make sure it's not too hot or they will crack".
"O.K" she replied, sounding a bit unsure.
He rang back 10 minutes later and said "Did it do the trick?"
"No" she said tearfully "The laptop won't work at all now".
quest63
Active member
:grin:
mix2000
Active member
How may Geordies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, Geordies dont screw in lightbulbs - they screw in bus stops.
None, Geordies dont screw in lightbulbs - they screw in bus stops.
deejames
New member
best thread ever :grin:
BenF
Active member
I'm not so sure about that!deejames said:
anyway, based on the last contribution: what do Geordies use for protection during sex?
a bus shelter
deejames
New member
i do love a dodgy joke or two . . . :grin:
quest63
Active member
They figure its a good place for sex cos if buses take ages to come so will they
mix2000
Active member
:lol:
On a different note, I went wake-boarding for the first time yesterday...........
but I was told to get off the coffin and got thrown out of the church..... :shock:
On a different note, I went wake-boarding for the first time yesterday...........
but I was told to get off the coffin and got thrown out of the church..... :shock:
quest63
Active member
mix2000 said:
F*cking LOL!!! :funny:
Paddy went to Mick's house, Mick's wife answered the door.
"Mick in?"
"No, sorry" she said
"You're FIT"
"What!? Go away Paddy..."
"How about a quick one?"
"Piss off."
"I'll give you £300..?"
"Hmmm.. ok come in.."
Later Mick comes home.
"Did Paddy come round?"
"Errr... yes, why?"
"I asked him to drop round my wage packet."
mix2000
Active member
:lol: :lol:
mix2000
Active member
The Confident Princess
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, confident princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't f*cking think so !!!!!
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, confident princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't f*cking think so !!!!!
quest63
Active member
Princesses just aint what they used to be :grin:
mix2000
Active member
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. (although the Germans are up in arms about it)
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Regardz
Herr Schmidt
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
Regardz
Herr Schmidt
mix2000
Active member
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment.
While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a bread roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another bread roll in me bum!"
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment.
While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a bread roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another bread roll in me bum!"
yippeekiay
Well-known member
:thumbs:
quest63
Active member
:thumbs:
